How to enjoy your MRI
No matter how many times I’ve had a MRI , I still never enjoy going through it.
The MRI’s are much better than they were 10 or even 5 years ago, but still.
I had one last Friday and was totally prepared going in for it….
1 Take some of your pain meds or muscle relaxers PRIOR to going in. (You want to be relaxed, you could also have 2 or 3 Martinis before hand, but then you will have the urge to go to the bathroom inside the tube)
2 Arrive at the center upbeat and knowing that the MRI is going to be easy this time. (Mind over matter, this is a piece of cake, I will show them)
3 Think happy thoughts as you disrobe and put on those hospital gear (About now, the only thing you are happy about is that the newer hospital apparel actually covers your butt!)
4 Scratch all possible parts of your body that will somehow itch inside the tube (This is always a problem, you prepare yourself, you convince yourself that you will not itch. Problem is shortly after inside of the tube, you know you were lying to yourself)
5 Laugh with the technician, telling them, ah, MRI’s are a piece of cake (this helps build up your confidence)
6 Start to think of the ocean, vacation, your team winning, as you start to slide into the tube. (So far things are going good)
7 Oh oh, wait this tube got much smaller than last time, my arms are getting crushed, I cant move (Start to think, I should have went on that diet last month, its not to late to chicken out and press the buzzer to let you out)
8 Slowly you start to sweat and its coming down close to your eyes. You know the moment it hits your eyes, its going to burn and sting, and you know you cant do a thing about it (You start to try to turn your lips up and blow real hard to stop the sweat drops from coming down your face)
9 The drums and the banging start – At first you are scared, but welcome the distraction. (But after a while, the whole tube starts to vibrate, you think something has gone wrong, maybe I did leave a piece of metal on, and its going to come smashing up into my face)
10 The technician says over the loudspeaker, “Is everything ok”, you respond, sure, no problem (But in reality, you want to tell them, stop it, turn the machine off, I really dont need this MRI)
11 The tube starts to move out, you say to yourself “Its over!”, you are beaming with joy.. (Then the technician tells you, I am going to inject the contrast and then you only have 5-10 minutes more …. No What, I am NOT going back into that tube, forget the contrast, my doctor can read the MRI without that)
12 Real panic starts to set in. (You are clammy, You are sweating through those hospital pants which is NOT too comfortable. You try to dream, doesnt work, you try to think of your first date, doesnt work, for a second you open your eyes and ARGGGH, you are staring up at the top of the tube which is about 1 inch from your face!. Your stomach starts to turn, you try to take a deep breath, but nothing works)
13 The tube starts to move out again ( Its over , its over, its over )
You get up acting real strong, saying to the technician “Hey that was easy, piece of cake” You go back to the changing room, get dressed again and get ready to pick up the MRI CD and go home..
The technician greets you. “Sorry, we had a little problem, the film did not work correctly, we need to go through it again”
There you are , on the floor, crying whimpering like a little child….. No, NO NO